Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
