I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
