It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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