I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's official drugs can't kill me
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
