Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
