I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
