apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
