She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
