I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
