My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
