Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
