I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
