Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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