too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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