a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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