we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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