My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
