Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
