woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You can't just leave with hair like that
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I love you. Go after that dick
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
