You can't motorboat a personality
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
