i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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