life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
