he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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