It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
