I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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