Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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