He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She told me I should be a condom model.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
