Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
