Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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