you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
