I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
