I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Sorry about my life...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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