You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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