and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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