guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
