WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
