So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
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Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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