I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I look better un-naked...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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