i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
