Don't make out with my wife yet
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You almost got us killed.
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