Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
