I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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