my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
