I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
