All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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