1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
