I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
