my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
