mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I am available for nakedness
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
