five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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