Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
