if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
