plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
