well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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