I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
