having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
