Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
