"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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