My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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