I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
