I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
