Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
