highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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