The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Alive.
So much puke
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
